Low-Demand Parenting in Action: Printable PDF Checklist & Example

Journey through this powerful process with me, and help all members of your family get their needs met (including yours)! ❤️‍🩹

For as long as it took me to finally get through Low-Demand Parenting, I have been reading and re-reading, highlighting and working through it this month.

And wow!

Out of the ridiculous dozen or so parenting classes we’d taken, few have had the insight to consider what’s going on with me as the messy human parent that’s impacting the situation and my child’s behavior.

And of the ones that have, none has given such a thorough approach to break down and analyze exactly what’s going on before jumping to solutions.

In a way, it reminds me a lot of what I learned in my training as a behavior tech for ABA therapy (I’m spending a lot of time observing my child’s behavior and trying to understand the antecedents while being mindful of the consequences), only this is looking not just at the child but at all of the players and how we’re impacting each other and getting our needs met — in appropriate, and not so appropriate ways.

This is so powerful!

I keep flipping between my hot pink highlights in Chapters 4 and 5 as I work through the process as each new situation arises in our home.

But to make it easier for all of us to work through this, (and thus be more likely that we’ll stick with it, I decided to turn it into a step-by-step checklist.

Even if you, ya know, “didn’t read the book.”

I’ll include that for all the monthly and annual NeuroMom Nest Members at the end of this post for you to download and print.

But first, I wanted to share what the process has looked like for one set of demands and expectations I looked at.

Real Life Low-Demand Parenting Example

The situation was this: I was going to read aloud to my two children the book that we’ve been reading together for a while. They were both on the small sofa in my office, and one child was overtaking most of the space, making it hard for their sibling to sit or be comfortable. I felt frustrated and tried to force them to share equally and (not surprisingly) got resistance and anger from my PDAer instead.

Once everyone was calm and safe, I was able to take a second look at the scenario and see how I might’ve responded differently, and more successfully to help us all get our needs met, using the Low-Demand approach.

I’m still a total newbie at this, but here’s what that looked like…

Step 1: Put words to the demand(s)

Turns out, there were many micro-demands nested within that one request to share the couch:

• Stop reading your own book – right now

• Share the couch equally with your sibling

• (Right now)

• Then I’ll read Journey to the Center of the Earth aloud (children will listen to spoken words)

• It had a scary part with monsters fighting last night

• Sit quietly without interrupting

• Then, you will go potty and go to bed (by yourself)

This alone helped me realize that the resistance I was getting might’ve been due to fear of the scary part of the story and/or the fact that bedtime was coming up next.

Step 2: Find out why this matters to you

Discerning your why, why, why…?!

The trick is to look for the one that gives you a visceral, emotional reaction. (I starred that one below.) You can do this for all the micro-demands listed, but I’ll just include one example here:

• I want them to share evenly with their sibling because I worry that their sibling is being short-changed by how much more time and attention the other child demands

• Because that child is easygoing and doesn’t demand to get needs met, but they still have needs

• Because they’re my child and I love them.

• *** Because that child has been depressed before, and I didn’t understand why, it was so scary, and I never want them to go back to that place again

So, what I’m really upset about doesn’t have anything to do with the first child sharing the couch and listening to me read a story — it’s about my worries about an entirely different child! And these are things to process in therapy – not to put on my child to carry.

What is it about this demand that gives me the desired result?

• I want my children to share the sofa (quietly) so that I can enjoy reading to them and connect with them.

• What is it about reading aloud that brings me joy?

  • I get to sit down and they (mostly) hold still

  • I love a good story and reading it aloud helps me experience it even deeper

  • It helps me feel connected to my kids and gives us a shared experience to reference

By dropping this demand, I hope that my child will learn that…

• They are not alone in the world

• While most other people don’t understand how hard it is for them to process auditory language – I actually do. And I have true empathy for their experience, and I honor that challenge rather than try to force them into some “good child” mold

• I love this child right where they’re at right now, with all their strengths and challenges.

• I recognize that they had a long day of school and homework and sitting quietly and following instructions

• They don’t ever need to perform for me or be a certain way to earn my love.

Step 3: Listen to your child

I wonder if…

• You want to stop listening to me read Journey, and I can just read it to your sibling another time

I didn’t get an answer at that time, and I didn’t push. Making space for this child’s needs to be heard and recognized was enough.

Step 4: Work proactively to drop as many demands from Step 1

• Maybe this child doesn’t have to join in the read-aloud at all

• Maybe we could read in a different room with more room for everyone to get the personal space they need

• Or they could be in two different rooms and I can sit in the hallway and read to them

Step 5: Get creative in taking care of your own needs– without asking your child to do anything differently

• I can read a book anytime – even a kids’ book if I want.

• My other child really does like me to read aloud, there’s no reason both kids have to join in

• I can also connect with my other child in ways other than just reading aloud

Is making kids share what “good moms” do? Sure, but is it realistic in my real family? Not at that particular moment. I love that this process helped me find a way for us all to have our needs addressed the next time this comes up, without overly stressing our nervous systems.

The next day, this child looked through the remaining chapters of the book and asked me to help them calculate how many pages were left. Satisfied, they settled down on the couch (both kids sprawled all the way out, cuddled up like sardines in a can) not sharing “equally,” but happy as I read and let them negotiate their own boundaries and comfort. It was a much more peaceful evening than the roaring shouts of the night before, and I was so grateful!

Low-Demand Parenting Checklist

Members of the NeuroMom Nest will find the checklist PDF, incuding the example at the link below. If you’re not a member yet, join now with the monthly or annual (or founding) membership now to get instant access.